An End and a Beginning

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. -Rom 15:7

Five weeks ago I left my church. This was a very significant step for me and my family. We have given much of our lives to this community of faith over the past eight years, walking with them through some very tough times and enjoying what can only be called God’s presence working in our lives together. We made this decision to leave after the rector (head pastor) of our church suddenly told me that I was no longer welcomed in any ministry of the church. I was confused; I was hurt; I didn’t want this end but what could I do? So I asked him to seek healing together or at least some communication to resolve whatever issues he may have. But he has declined to even respond to my requests, cutting off our communication and friendship. He has stated his judgment and decision against me, so I can only determine my response to what he has decided.

Christ Church is also a new beginning recently "re-born" from an ending. Just a few weeks ago we were told that our current Episcopal Church would be meeting at a new location, after looking at options for the past few months. But afterwards we were told that, in fact, these resources, and the pastor, church board and staff were all being realigned to the new church that they had established. This had been planned for many months – some in the congregation had suspected – but there would be no discussion or discernment. We were asked to determine our responses based upon what had already been decided for us.

It is not surprising that an orthodox community would consider leaving The Episcopal Church (TEC). TEC is struggling for a new beginning aligning Scripture with culture and they have similarly ignored others in a very difficult process. Against the will of the world-wide church, the 2003 General Convention of TEC elected a homosexual as bishop. This was another unilateral decision by a few leaders, requiring others to just respond. The Anglican Communion has responded, though the liberals consider the response too severe and the conservatives , that it has not been severe enough. Many orthodox churches struggle to find a place in this change: a few have decided to just leave TEC (though these have done so with a vote and, of course, with more gracious communication to the community and open discernment than was allowed by Christ Church) as the Anglican Communion works through this. But through the years the rhetoric becomes stronger, the new voice of the Anglican orthodox now say that only they represent the true faith; they now make their sweeping pronouncements so that others must respond to their decisions and actions. Both sides claim to be right without needing to listen to the other.

I find parallels in these divisions of denominations, churches and people. Each of these divisions is born out of judgments; a conviction that we know best for everyone, that I know the heart of God better than you do. Then the best way to maintain these judgments is to not communicate or try to listen to what someone else is saying. I have been at church councils where the conservatives and liberals speak vehemently to each other without ever seeming to hear what the other side has just said. The leader at my church would not discuss the decision to be made for our church but only allowed one side to prepare and speak; my asking that our plans and actions be discussed and considered openly and honestly as a community appears to be the sin for which I was removed from the church. But, of course, I will never know the real judgments that the pastor has made against me since he has chosen not to tell me what I have done wrong much less allowed me to respond to his judgment. It is easier to hold judgments – to expect others to just follow them – if they are not discussed but just handed down.

Without dialogue, judgments are hardened until there is little hope that I can be accepted by the pastor. This, of course, has grieved me deeply since he is now the leader of the church I love and cherish. Divisions in the church do hurt those who love the church but this pain is much more visceral when the divisions are directed personally, as I have now felt. I long to be a part of this church family and have great sorrow that reconciliation is lost. I can now chose to respond with the same judgments; battle it out with the pastor about who offended who, who has listened to God more closely or who has cared more for the church. Even worse, I can chose to respond as if I deserve to be judged in this way; that the pastor has some special power or insight that allows him to unwelcome me, who welcomed him into this church. That is not the new beginning that I desire for myself.

I must admit that it is sure a lot easier to judge rather than love. But God has not called me to an easy life where I am always right and don’t need to listen to others. Rather I am called to bear one another's burdens, forgive sins and love those I would rather dismiss as my enemy. Fortunately, I can leave this church confident that I have accepted this pastor even when he has rejected me, forgiven when I am not forgiven. I make the choice to leave (it is not as if people are excommunicated nowadays, are they?) but I make that choice because the leadership has made it painful for me and family to remain, not because I judge the church or the pastor as wrong, heretical or otherwise unworthy of my acceptance. An end has occurred, against my best efforts to keep things together and pursue reconciliation, and I can now begin again, with hope, acceptance and compassion.