Reconsidering

Today I was driving down the highway with the windows down. With the wind in my hair, I just felt ... well happy. I find myself feeling happier more often now.

Why would I feel happy? I don't think it is the drugs. They have kept me from staying down, moderating the the bad moods but not causing any better moods. I'll get off them in a couple weeks and see if that changes anything (besides getting rid of the heartburn, fuzziness and constant ringing).

I'm happier driving alone. I'm happier hanging around with the kids. I'm happier at work and able to put more in there and connect with more people. I'm not unfortunately happier in my marriage. In fact, I'm likely happier because I've coming to terms with it.

After 21 years with M_, 10 years of counseling, and 6 years after I committed to making this marriage work even though M_ wanted to end it and kick me out, I am coming to realize that it is not going to change. Without it changing, I do not see how I can have a real marriage.

Lack of communication is a common reason for a marriage break-up. Marriage counseling should be able to fix this. The classic case would be a wife dragging a husband into counseling to get him out of his shell and talking. But now I'm talking and M_ is not listening. And for the past few years, M_ has felt hurt and inadequate when I ask her to listen so we've spent more time trying to support and encourage her. As a result, more and more things are put aside and not discussed. I try to bring up only one or two small things but still cannot be heard. As a result, nothing gets done. The house falls apart, kids get inconsistent messages, nothing is planned or executed together.

I've lived like this for some time, so why change now? Its because I felt hope and M_ was not a part of it. I felt it at Discovery. M_ first demanded that I go back in May 2006, and I dutifully did. I felt something there so I continued through even we she did not. I've been going back each year and this year I realized just very happy I was with the acceptance of the people there. Even more, I found that I could dream when I was there and have purposeful goals. I can find what I want to do with my life but ... M_ knows nothing about this.

M_ has struck down my dreams before. Even plans that I make for the weekend can become such burdens to her that I try not to make them and certainly can't tell her of my disappointment when she ignores them and makes her conflicting plans. We don't share Discovery, which has become a highlight of my year. We don't share sending support to Rwanda. We don't share helping high school kids. We don't share music, prayer or God's word. We at least had the latter at one time but they have been gone for a while. I miss the physical intimacy but much more I miss sharing hopes and dreams. And so I find myself not following my dreams.

I feel very selfish to close down our marriage over this. I do love M_ and know that she is a wonderful person. However, I feel I have had to close down myself these past few years. I've had to give to her and then hold things in because she would not respond or support me. I feel I have to make a choice between myself and her. As much as I love her, I just can't keep ignoring my own needs. It feels so very selfish to seek out my own happiness but it feels like I will slowly die if I don't.

It is all very confusing and distressing. However, I'm looking for the things that will make me happy. I can start with just feeling the wind. But it is also being a friend in Discovery. And being out in the world serving others. I wish I could feel M_ by my side in this but instead I find her questioning, being frustrated with it and holding me back.