Monday, June 6, 2011
Where to?
I feel too much stress in my life but I don't know what to do about it. Stress about my marriage: Marion continues to interrupt, argue and control with no indication that she will ever do otherwise - or even admit that she has hurt me in any valid way and so should consider changing her attitude and actions. I can't really quit the marriage, considering the pain to the kids and to Marion and I. Besides Marion does admits fault just enough to argue that she might try a change but this typically just turns into an argument that I should just forgive her and quit asking for her support. So I feel very stuck - not just unable to escape the relationship but alone in feeling like the relationship is painful for me and is not healthy.
In work I also just feel unable to perform. This begins with feeling the stress at home carried into my work day. But then once I'm behind I don't really have to motivation to catch up. Building better computer chips just doesn't inspire me. I think about going to teach high school or something with more service but feel I would have no support for doing so. So I linger on without doing much of anything.
The worse part is that I am doing nothing to change things. I can barely build enough energy to just carry on. So looking for a change is not possible.
What I'd like to do:
1) Think about someone else and support them once a day. I get so caught up trying to support myself that I miss others.
2) Play more music. I wish I could find a group to play with but I could compose some at home. Unfortunately, I feel I have little time for this.
3) Just make it through my emails one day. Get caught up a little without the weight of feeling I cannot do it.
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