Test
Wednesday, August 25, 2021
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Reconsidering
Today I was driving down the highway with the windows down. With the wind in my hair, I just felt ... well happy. I find myself feeling happier more often now.
Why would I feel happy? I don't think it is the drugs. They have kept me from staying down, moderating the the bad moods but not causing any better moods. I'll get off them in a couple weeks and see if that changes anything (besides getting rid of the heartburn, fuzziness and constant ringing).
I'm happier driving alone. I'm happier hanging around with the kids. I'm happier at work and able to put more in there and connect with more people. I'm not unfortunately happier in my marriage. In fact, I'm likely happier because I've coming to terms with it.
After 21 years with M_, 10 years of counseling, and 6 years after I committed to making this marriage work even though M_ wanted to end it and kick me out, I am coming to realize that it is not going to change. Without it changing, I do not see how I can have a real marriage.
Lack of communication is a common reason for a marriage break-up. Marriage counseling should be able to fix this. The classic case would be a wife dragging a husband into counseling to get him out of his shell and talking. But now I'm talking and M_ is not listening. And for the past few years, M_ has felt hurt and inadequate when I ask her to listen so we've spent more time trying to support and encourage her. As a result, more and more things are put aside and not discussed. I try to bring up only one or two small things but still cannot be heard. As a result, nothing gets done. The house falls apart, kids get inconsistent messages, nothing is planned or executed together.
I've lived like this for some time, so why change now? Its because I felt hope and M_ was not a part of it. I felt it at Discovery. M_ first demanded that I go back in May 2006, and I dutifully did. I felt something there so I continued through even we she did not. I've been going back each year and this year I realized just very happy I was with the acceptance of the people there. Even more, I found that I could dream when I was there and have purposeful goals. I can find what I want to do with my life but ... M_ knows nothing about this.
M_ has struck down my dreams before. Even plans that I make for the weekend can become such burdens to her that I try not to make them and certainly can't tell her of my disappointment when she ignores them and makes her conflicting plans. We don't share Discovery, which has become a highlight of my year. We don't share sending support to Rwanda. We don't share helping high school kids. We don't share music, prayer or God's word. We at least had the latter at one time but they have been gone for a while. I miss the physical intimacy but much more I miss sharing hopes and dreams. And so I find myself not following my dreams.
I feel very selfish to close down our marriage over this. I do love M_ and know that she is a wonderful person. However, I feel I have had to close down myself these past few years. I've had to give to her and then hold things in because she would not respond or support me. I feel I have to make a choice between myself and her. As much as I love her, I just can't keep ignoring my own needs. It feels so very selfish to seek out my own happiness but it feels like I will slowly die if I don't.
It is all very confusing and distressing. However, I'm looking for the things that will make me happy. I can start with just feeling the wind. But it is also being a friend in Discovery. And being out in the world serving others. I wish I could feel M_ by my side in this but instead I find her questioning, being frustrated with it and holding me back.
Why would I feel happy? I don't think it is the drugs. They have kept me from staying down, moderating the the bad moods but not causing any better moods. I'll get off them in a couple weeks and see if that changes anything (besides getting rid of the heartburn, fuzziness and constant ringing).
I'm happier driving alone. I'm happier hanging around with the kids. I'm happier at work and able to put more in there and connect with more people. I'm not unfortunately happier in my marriage. In fact, I'm likely happier because I've coming to terms with it.
After 21 years with M_, 10 years of counseling, and 6 years after I committed to making this marriage work even though M_ wanted to end it and kick me out, I am coming to realize that it is not going to change. Without it changing, I do not see how I can have a real marriage.
Lack of communication is a common reason for a marriage break-up. Marriage counseling should be able to fix this. The classic case would be a wife dragging a husband into counseling to get him out of his shell and talking. But now I'm talking and M_ is not listening. And for the past few years, M_ has felt hurt and inadequate when I ask her to listen so we've spent more time trying to support and encourage her. As a result, more and more things are put aside and not discussed. I try to bring up only one or two small things but still cannot be heard. As a result, nothing gets done. The house falls apart, kids get inconsistent messages, nothing is planned or executed together.
I've lived like this for some time, so why change now? Its because I felt hope and M_ was not a part of it. I felt it at Discovery. M_ first demanded that I go back in May 2006, and I dutifully did. I felt something there so I continued through even we she did not. I've been going back each year and this year I realized just very happy I was with the acceptance of the people there. Even more, I found that I could dream when I was there and have purposeful goals. I can find what I want to do with my life but ... M_ knows nothing about this.
M_ has struck down my dreams before. Even plans that I make for the weekend can become such burdens to her that I try not to make them and certainly can't tell her of my disappointment when she ignores them and makes her conflicting plans. We don't share Discovery, which has become a highlight of my year. We don't share sending support to Rwanda. We don't share helping high school kids. We don't share music, prayer or God's word. We at least had the latter at one time but they have been gone for a while. I miss the physical intimacy but much more I miss sharing hopes and dreams. And so I find myself not following my dreams.
I feel very selfish to close down our marriage over this. I do love M_ and know that she is a wonderful person. However, I feel I have had to close down myself these past few years. I've had to give to her and then hold things in because she would not respond or support me. I feel I have to make a choice between myself and her. As much as I love her, I just can't keep ignoring my own needs. It feels so very selfish to seek out my own happiness but it feels like I will slowly die if I don't.
It is all very confusing and distressing. However, I'm looking for the things that will make me happy. I can start with just feeling the wind. But it is also being a friend in Discovery. And being out in the world serving others. I wish I could feel M_ by my side in this but instead I find her questioning, being frustrated with it and holding me back.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Where to?
I feel too much stress in my life but I don't know what to do about it. Stress about my marriage: Marion continues to interrupt, argue and control with no indication that she will ever do otherwise - or even admit that she has hurt me in any valid way and so should consider changing her attitude and actions. I can't really quit the marriage, considering the pain to the kids and to Marion and I. Besides Marion does admits fault just enough to argue that she might try a change but this typically just turns into an argument that I should just forgive her and quit asking for her support. So I feel very stuck - not just unable to escape the relationship but alone in feeling like the relationship is painful for me and is not healthy.
In work I also just feel unable to perform. This begins with feeling the stress at home carried into my work day. But then once I'm behind I don't really have to motivation to catch up. Building better computer chips just doesn't inspire me. I think about going to teach high school or something with more service but feel I would have no support for doing so. So I linger on without doing much of anything.
The worse part is that I am doing nothing to change things. I can barely build enough energy to just carry on. So looking for a change is not possible.
What I'd like to do:
1) Think about someone else and support them once a day. I get so caught up trying to support myself that I miss others.
2) Play more music. I wish I could find a group to play with but I could compose some at home. Unfortunately, I feel I have little time for this.
3) Just make it through my emails one day. Get caught up a little without the weight of feeling I cannot do it.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Not so Tickled about Phyllis
Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. –Prov 27:1
Reading a bit of Phyllis Tickle's “The Great Emergence,” (and I haven’t read it all, so I have limited ability to comment) I have come to respect it as an analysis of cultural influences on the modern western church, but I find it too limiting to support its thesis that we are in another great movement. After years of trying to figure out what post-modernisms really is, I’m beginning to conclude that it is more the end of modernism than the beginning of anything new – we are still looking for that meta-narrative as we deconstruct the meta-narratives of others. Phyllis Tickle is solidly Modern in presenting her meta-narrative (meta-history) that hinge-points in history occur every 500 years and we are in another such emergence today. She focuses on exclusively on Western culture (for example the hinge-point that occurred in
But even with this sloppiness in logic, her message is enthralling. Who does not want to be living at the hinge-point of the next great era? To rub shoulders with the next Martin Luther or, even better, make in into the history books ourselves. Of course, I want to hear that my church is looking to the future and that our style of worship (that looks different than the main-line church down the street, so it must be different) will be vindicated as the new church. But aren’t we being a bit self-important in listening to this? Isn’t it too comfortable to just believe this story of our great place in history?
I understand Phyllis to be challenging us to cut the cords and let this great emergence happen. The old (Modern) meta-narratives found in religion are no longer valid in their traditions (we do church differently now), reason (we are more experiential now) and Scripture (we should move beyond our previous standard of sola scriptura, carefully excluding the parts that don’t fit our culture). But then she just sets up another meta-narrative one where the old religion (meta-narrative) must exit since it has been around for 500 years and where the emerging church contains the next great hinge-point. She is just asking me to exchange one set of cords for another – one meta-narrative for another. Her argument is not that the new cords are better but rather they are new and it is time for a change. But shouldn’t our challenge be to find the right cords and connections to God?
I guess I just don’t feel challenged by what Phyllis Tickle has to say. I may have some urge to complain that her thesis could use more support but she has tied some useful themes together. However she hasn’t challenged me to live differently or to seek God in new ways. She has presented another meta-narrative, another Modern reading of religion, to help us feel comfortable where we are, but one that just throws us out into the open with no direction – just keep doing what you are doing because it brings the change for the next 500 years. It’s an attractive message, even persuasive, but it is not inspiring.
Thanks to Paul Roberts for his thoughts on this topic.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Cutting the Cords
This morning in Sunday School we were discussing Phyllis Tickle’s analogy of religion being a cable the holds us to God. Now I have not read her books (I don’t think many in the class had) though I did find some of her talks on the internet. I looked this up because I wasn’t really following our conversation very well, getting confused about where the analogy was going. Anyway I found reading the transcription of her talk to also be confusing. She moves from one generalizations about a world trend to another (pulling theological images from Matrix, equating Martin Luther to a couple of the most liberal theologians of today, and explaining the emergence of Christian Science and Mormonism in a couple of sentences). My head was spinning just trying to figure out if the last five things she said were true so I could determine if the connection she was making made sense. Hopefully her book has a lot more detail and documentation for her claims.
Anyway back to the cable. Phyllis has religion connecting us to God like a cable made up of different strands and layers. Her idea is that when the layer is opened up, we play with the strands, rearrange them a bit and then put it back together. This is why Protestantism looks different than Catholicism and Pentecostals worship differently than Episcopalians. But we started talking about just these cables that connect us with all kinds of things - God, church music, money, sports, each other, etc. The idea was that we get so connected we have to start cutting some of these cables. So having organ music in church is a cable that was cut when we introduced guitars. And some cables (the liturgies that Journey now follows, like writing names on a rock) are worth holding onto because we like them. When we started talking about cutting away the letters of Paul in the same way we discussed not holding onto having fancy altar rails, I got a little concerned. Why not just cut all the cables (one person suggested this was the plan) and just float along the streams of our culture with no intention of a connection with God. I appreciate the questioning about holding things to be too important but something has to be important and we don’t seem to talk about them.
This got me thinking about the music at our church. They’ve got some great musicians who perform a couple of songs each week. But it’s a bit more concert than participation, no common repertoire holding us together. It’s like we have to bring in all this diversity of music but not connection and community. Phyllis’ comment is that the old organ hymns were “performance art, even by those who couldn't perform. It was not a participatory thing.” She then concludes that in emerging churches today (including Journey ?) “what the church failed to do was accommodate to that shift. It still tried to perform, and we still do.” I wish that she had stayed on this topic a bit longer but she quickly moved on to the next world trend (the Internet) without any guidance about what we are suppose to be doing. Do we just cut this cable also; unplug the guitars and let everyone have a voice in what we sing? Somehow, I doubt we’d do so nor would appreciate the cacophony that resulted.
It seems that everyone is telling the church to cut the cables (at least the ones we don’t like) but not what are connection we are suppose to be looking for.
Anyway back to the cable. Phyllis has religion connecting us to God like a cable made up of different strands and layers. Her idea is that when the layer is opened up, we play with the strands, rearrange them a bit and then put it back together. This is why Protestantism looks different than Catholicism and Pentecostals worship differently than Episcopalians. But we started talking about just these cables that connect us with all kinds of things - God, church music, money, sports, each other, etc. The idea was that we get so connected we have to start cutting some of these cables. So having organ music in church is a cable that was cut when we introduced guitars. And some cables (the liturgies that Journey now follows, like writing names on a rock) are worth holding onto because we like them. When we started talking about cutting away the letters of Paul in the same way we discussed not holding onto having fancy altar rails, I got a little concerned. Why not just cut all the cables (one person suggested this was the plan) and just float along the streams of our culture with no intention of a connection with God. I appreciate the questioning about holding things to be too important but something has to be important and we don’t seem to talk about them.
This got me thinking about the music at our church. They’ve got some great musicians who perform a couple of songs each week. But it’s a bit more concert than participation, no common repertoire holding us together. It’s like we have to bring in all this diversity of music but not connection and community. Phyllis’ comment is that the old organ hymns were “performance art, even by those who couldn't perform. It was not a participatory thing.” She then concludes that in emerging churches today (including Journey ?) “what the church failed to do was accommodate to that shift. It still tried to perform, and we still do.” I wish that she had stayed on this topic a bit longer but she quickly moved on to the next world trend (the Internet) without any guidance about what we are suppose to be doing. Do we just cut this cable also; unplug the guitars and let everyone have a voice in what we sing? Somehow, I doubt we’d do so nor would appreciate the cacophony that resulted.
It seems that everyone is telling the church to cut the cables (at least the ones we don’t like) but not what are connection we are suppose to be looking for.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Love and War
The Christian right and left are still at it. In the news, Proposition 8 was passed in CA defining marriage as between a man and a woman. This was filed and supported by Christians and then challenged and condemned by Christians. The Christian right look to the morality of God’s establishment of marriage. The Christian left uphold Gods love to all people. Millions (about $40 million on each side so far) were spent to argue that both sides are misrepresenting God. The rights of homosexuals to call themselves married has somehow become one of the most important religious issue in America. I wonder why the Christian right is so more concerned about homosexual marriage than the pain and misuse found in many heterosexual marriages. And why do the Christian left feel that the civil rights of homosexuals are more oppressed or important than others, say the 200,000 people forced into extremely overcrowded CA prisons. It appears to me that Christians on both sides are just responding to cultural influences and not seeking true purity and mercy from God. They are using what the culture is saying, what the culture is talking about, to support their arguments of right and wrong. Doesn’t God call us to think in a different way?
On a more personal note, I finally did receive a response from Fr. Warner, the rector at Christ Church about my removal from his church. He marked it as Confidential and did use divisive words that really should not be identified as coming from a church leader, so I will not quote directly from it. In it Cliff confirms he can make his decision to remove me without having to discuss it with me or anyone else (or to even provide a reason) and says that he did the best he could. I have since responded that I will seek reconciliation with him (seeking forgiveness not justifications), if would provide a way. I'm truly mean this from my heart but sadly I don't really expect to hear anything back from him. We have many ways to serve together but he has simply decided that I'm out.
I feel like a scapegoat. You know, during the Day of Atonement, the goat in (a mistranslation of) Lev 16, upon whom the sins of the people are symbolically placed and is then driven away to fend for himself. Cliff has created this uncertainty at Christ Church (or is it in his own heart - I'm not able to tell) and I am a ready target on which to place the frustration this has caused. So upon me it is placed and I am asked to leave the church. Of course, I am personally in no position to atone for the sins of Christ Church or its rector. However, this does give me some empathy with other scapegoats out there.
Most notably are the homosexuals who are forced to stand in the middle of a battle within the church. If they didn’t exist then the church wouldn’t be arguing, the Anglican (Espicopal) church would be unified and the money and time spent on legal actions could be used for more fruitful purposes. What a burden for these scapegoats to bear that they are responsible for splitting a church. As much as I agree with the theology of marriage taught by the Christian right, I must also agree with the left that homosexuals are people loved by God and not scapegoats for our power struggles. My concern is in realizing that these underlying power struggles will continue - globally in the Anglican Church and locally at Christ Church - so who will become the next scapegoat? The different factions in the Anglican church are even now discussing the role of women in church and types of worship that can be used. Will these and other issues be discussed or simply mandated with the new scapegoats to carry the burden?
On a more personal note, I finally did receive a response from Fr. Warner, the rector at Christ Church about my removal from his church. He marked it as Confidential and did use divisive words that really should not be identified as coming from a church leader, so I will not quote directly from it. In it Cliff confirms he can make his decision to remove me without having to discuss it with me or anyone else (or to even provide a reason) and says that he did the best he could. I have since responded that I will seek reconciliation with him (seeking forgiveness not justifications), if would provide a way. I'm truly mean this from my heart but sadly I don't really expect to hear anything back from him. We have many ways to serve together but he has simply decided that I'm out.
I feel like a scapegoat. You know, during the Day of Atonement, the goat in (a mistranslation of) Lev 16, upon whom the sins of the people are symbolically placed and is then driven away to fend for himself. Cliff has created this uncertainty at Christ Church (or is it in his own heart - I'm not able to tell) and I am a ready target on which to place the frustration this has caused. So upon me it is placed and I am asked to leave the church. Of course, I am personally in no position to atone for the sins of Christ Church or its rector. However, this does give me some empathy with other scapegoats out there.
Most notably are the homosexuals who are forced to stand in the middle of a battle within the church. If they didn’t exist then the church wouldn’t be arguing, the Anglican (Espicopal) church would be unified and the money and time spent on legal actions could be used for more fruitful purposes. What a burden for these scapegoats to bear that they are responsible for splitting a church. As much as I agree with the theology of marriage taught by the Christian right, I must also agree with the left that homosexuals are people loved by God and not scapegoats for our power struggles. My concern is in realizing that these underlying power struggles will continue - globally in the Anglican Church and locally at Christ Church - so who will become the next scapegoat? The different factions in the Anglican church are even now discussing the role of women in church and types of worship that can be used. Will these and other issues be discussed or simply mandated with the new scapegoats to carry the burden?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Joyful Sounds
Yesterday, my wife, I and a couple of friends sang at the Regency Village Care Center for about 40 minutes. Actually I played piano so the residents were really listening to the trio. We probably only had less than thirty people in the audience but they were very appreciative. I really don’t think that one can mess up a nursing home ministry; the need is so great that someone will be touched.
We practiced for a few months to make this work. It will be interesting to see where God takes this. It does take time to reach out to others even if we do have the talent to share music. I'm just offering what I have.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Split Happens
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. –Phlip 1:4-6
I shared little of my pain from being pushed into a church split. I also know others are hurt as well; here’s a heartfelt perspective from a pastor and one from a preacher's kid. As with any disruption in an important relationship there is a lot of hurt and we are often quick to respond to this hurt with blame or shunning and shutting down. In fact, we all need forgiveness, healing and grace to live together. Let us pray for each other.
I shared little of my pain from being pushed into a church split. I also know others are hurt as well; here’s a heartfelt perspective from a pastor and one from a preacher's kid. As with any disruption in an important relationship there is a lot of hurt and we are often quick to respond to this hurt with blame or shunning and shutting down. In fact, we all need forgiveness, healing and grace to live together. Let us pray for each other.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Walking with Friends
Our friends are walking here in Austin to care for others this Saturday. More info for joining or supporting the team.
Remember, there is no charge or registration fee. Please just show up at 8:30AM this Saturday at Auditorium shores if you want to walk the three miles around the Capitol, It is a beautiful, inspiring walk for a great cause. Please either wear a black, white or black & white shirt as these are our Can't-to-Can team colors this year.
The goals of the simultaneous nationwide NAMI walkathons are to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission
We hope to be there enjoying the weather and the love we can show to others.
Remember, there is no charge or registration fee. Please just show up at 8:30AM this Saturday at Auditorium shores if you want to walk the three miles around the Capitol, It is a beautiful, inspiring walk for a great cause. Please either wear a black, white or black & white shirt as these are our Can't-to-Can team colors this year.
The goals of the simultaneous nationwide NAMI walkathons are to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission
We hope to be there enjoying the weather and the love we can show to others.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Love and Truth
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.
-1Peter 1:22
As our family looks for a new church, I have asked myself which is more important in a church, a commitment to demonstrating love or to upholding truth? Of course the answer is that both are important: love without truth is blind, sloppy and misdirected; truth without love is empty, barren even brutal. Even the most sincere love becomes perverted and destructive if not seeking truth. Even the most factual truth becomes distorted and deceptive if not guided by love. However, for some reason, we can have a hard time keeping them in balance when we gather together in a church.
I was raised in evangelical churches that upheld the importance of rightly studying Scripture to order our lives toward Christ. But after my my recent experience, I'm a bit wary of those who profess to only know and obey the truth in this way. I can respect their call to the truth and their desire to refine their words and actions to be pure. But they do risk putting their faith in details of the truth instead of the Spirit of God. When they start to work to maintain the power of their truth themselves, they fall away from love and end up judging others.
But I also cannot worship God in a church that is only about “goodwill and better friendships”. I have obtained strength meditating on the law of God. I ask many questions about where I am but Scripture is the basis I need to search for answers. I still need a church that is connected to God through Scripture and connected to the saints of the church through creeds. I need to keep this connection to the story of the Bible and the story of the Church myself.
I bumped into the Emerging Church movement on my way out of our last church. I found most evangelicals critical and dismissive of this movement. I still am not real sure what an emerging church is, maybe because it is … well, still emerging and figuring it out itself. The traits I observe are an avoidance of church hierarchy and an emphasis on accepting everything through the love of God. The purpose of the emerging church appears to be making room to listening to where we are as we read the Gospel. But whereas evangelicals judge this as watering down the Gospel, a more appropriate response is that the emerging church is offering real alternatives to the answers, judgment and control used by many evangelicals. It is an emphasis of truth before love that has brought about this reaction in the church to emphasize love.
But the pendulum shouldn’t just swing uncontrolled in the other direction. Rejection of all church hierarchy is not the best response to the misuse of authority in the church. We don’t find God’s love by simply ignoring evidence of his judgments. We don’t throw away 2000 years of church thought and creeds when we ask questions about what the Gospel means for us today. Any church movement that proceeds along these lines does risk missing the truth while trying to uphold love.
After leaving an evangelical Anglican church, we wandered to Journey Imperfect Faith Community (what a great name), mostly because it seemed interesting based on what a friend had said. We were still in shock from what had happened to us and weren't thinking so much about what to expect as about how to keep connected to God in some way. But on my first Sunday there, I was deeply moved by the message of love and acceptance standing in such stark contrast to the message of judgment I had heard previously. I kept coming back not just because they are accepting of me but they are still talking about how God wants us to live our lives in new ways. Marion also seems to feel this change and a desire to learn more about this manner of worship and service. We were worried about the kids (we left a very robust and organized children’s program) but they have embraced the love and acceptance as the place they really want to be as well. So maybe this is where God has called us. (I had wanted to visit a bunch of churches to find a "good match" but this is not so easy to do with three kids.)
-1Peter 1:22
As our family looks for a new church, I have asked myself which is more important in a church, a commitment to demonstrating love or to upholding truth? Of course the answer is that both are important: love without truth is blind, sloppy and misdirected; truth without love is empty, barren even brutal. Even the most sincere love becomes perverted and destructive if not seeking truth. Even the most factual truth becomes distorted and deceptive if not guided by love. However, for some reason, we can have a hard time keeping them in balance when we gather together in a church.
I was raised in evangelical churches that upheld the importance of rightly studying Scripture to order our lives toward Christ. But after my my recent experience, I'm a bit wary of those who profess to only know and obey the truth in this way. I can respect their call to the truth and their desire to refine their words and actions to be pure. But they do risk putting their faith in details of the truth instead of the Spirit of God. When they start to work to maintain the power of their truth themselves, they fall away from love and end up judging others.
But I also cannot worship God in a church that is only about “goodwill and better friendships”. I have obtained strength meditating on the law of God. I ask many questions about where I am but Scripture is the basis I need to search for answers. I still need a church that is connected to God through Scripture and connected to the saints of the church through creeds. I need to keep this connection to the story of the Bible and the story of the Church myself.
I bumped into the Emerging Church movement on my way out of our last church. I found most evangelicals critical and dismissive of this movement. I still am not real sure what an emerging church is, maybe because it is … well, still emerging and figuring it out itself. The traits I observe are an avoidance of church hierarchy and an emphasis on accepting everything through the love of God. The purpose of the emerging church appears to be making room to listening to where we are as we read the Gospel. But whereas evangelicals judge this as watering down the Gospel, a more appropriate response is that the emerging church is offering real alternatives to the answers, judgment and control used by many evangelicals. It is an emphasis of truth before love that has brought about this reaction in the church to emphasize love.
But the pendulum shouldn’t just swing uncontrolled in the other direction. Rejection of all church hierarchy is not the best response to the misuse of authority in the church. We don’t find God’s love by simply ignoring evidence of his judgments. We don’t throw away 2000 years of church thought and creeds when we ask questions about what the Gospel means for us today. Any church movement that proceeds along these lines does risk missing the truth while trying to uphold love.
After leaving an evangelical Anglican church, we wandered to Journey Imperfect Faith Community (what a great name), mostly because it seemed interesting based on what a friend had said. We were still in shock from what had happened to us and weren't thinking so much about what to expect as about how to keep connected to God in some way. But on my first Sunday there, I was deeply moved by the message of love and acceptance standing in such stark contrast to the message of judgment I had heard previously. I kept coming back not just because they are accepting of me but they are still talking about how God wants us to live our lives in new ways. Marion also seems to feel this change and a desire to learn more about this manner of worship and service. We were worried about the kids (we left a very robust and organized children’s program) but they have embraced the love and acceptance as the place they really want to be as well. So maybe this is where God has called us. (I had wanted to visit a bunch of churches to find a "good match" but this is not so easy to do with three kids.)
But what about my concerns that love is emphasized at the expense of truth? Well, I don't think Journey is really an emerging church, at least not in the sense that they would question every truth in Scripture. But more importantly Journey is a community that is open to listening to each other. If they can extend grace to listen to some Bible-thumping, liturgy-loving evangelical as myself then I may could find a place there. I think that God does want us to listen to each other - show mercy to each other - as we ask how to live out the Gospel. In the end mercy does triumph over judgment.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Getting Back On
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. -Heb 10:35-36
My daughter, Lauren, learned to ride a bike this weekend. She’s already quite an athlete so she didn't lack physical coordination but it was a mental challenge. We often bike to breakfast on Saturday mornings, with Lauren dragging a bit behind with training wheels on. But this past Saturday she just didn’t want to do it; it just wasn’t fun anymore. So we talked about the training wheels and she finally agreed that I could take them off if I stayed home with her to teach her to ride when everyone else was gone (so her siblings wouldn’t laugh if she fell).
It took a couple of falls and patient encouragement to get back on but she made it. And since, everyone else was delayed getting to breakfast (the best intentions are often distracted at our home) they were soon outside cheering her on. She kept going for a while and the next day she was back on. As we rode around the neighborhood she commented that it just like riding with training wheels except a lot faster and easier. She’ll be on that bike a lot more now.
It is good for a parent to experience their children learning. We forget that things often seem harder when we think about them instead of just doing them. Seeing Lauren’s joy in the freedom of riding unencumbered by training wheels makes me want to find something to accomplish - something of value to work on. I lose much of that in day-to-day work and expectations. It is easier for me to keep in the same mindset – with the same “training wheels” on – throughout the day. Maybe I think that it keeps me safe or maybe I just haven’t thought about the better way. But there’s a joy in pushing myself into new things that I miss much of the time. I need to remember to get back in and learn in life.
My daughter, Lauren, learned to ride a bike this weekend. She’s already quite an athlete so she didn't lack physical coordination but it was a mental challenge. We often bike to breakfast on Saturday mornings, with Lauren dragging a bit behind with training wheels on. But this past Saturday she just didn’t want to do it; it just wasn’t fun anymore. So we talked about the training wheels and she finally agreed that I could take them off if I stayed home with her to teach her to ride when everyone else was gone (so her siblings wouldn’t laugh if she fell).
It took a couple of falls and patient encouragement to get back on but she made it. And since, everyone else was delayed getting to breakfast (the best intentions are often distracted at our home) they were soon outside cheering her on. She kept going for a while and the next day she was back on. As we rode around the neighborhood she commented that it just like riding with training wheels except a lot faster and easier. She’ll be on that bike a lot more now.
It is good for a parent to experience their children learning. We forget that things often seem harder when we think about them instead of just doing them. Seeing Lauren’s joy in the freedom of riding unencumbered by training wheels makes me want to find something to accomplish - something of value to work on. I lose much of that in day-to-day work and expectations. It is easier for me to keep in the same mindset – with the same “training wheels” on – throughout the day. Maybe I think that it keeps me safe or maybe I just haven’t thought about the better way. But there’s a joy in pushing myself into new things that I miss much of the time. I need to remember to get back in and learn in life.
Monday, September 22, 2008
An End and a Beginning
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. -Rom 15:7
Five weeks ago I left my church. This was a very significant step for me and my family. We have given much of our lives to this community of faith over the past eight years, walking with them through some very tough times and enjoying what can only be called God’s presence working in our lives together. We made this decision to leave after the rector (head pastor) of our church suddenly told me that I was no longer welcomed in any ministry of the church. I was confused; I was hurt; I didn’t want this end but what could I do? So I asked him to seek healing together or at least some communication to resolve whatever issues he may have. But he has declined to even respond to my requests, cutting off our communication and friendship. He has stated his judgment and decision against me, so I can only determine my response to what he has decided.
Christ Church is also a new beginning recently "re-born" from an ending. Just a few weeks ago we were told that our current Episcopal Church would be meeting at a new location, after looking at options for the past few months. But afterwards we were told that, in fact, these resources, and the pastor, church board and staff were all being realigned to the new church that they had established. This had been planned for many months – some in the congregation had suspected – but there would be no discussion or discernment. We were asked to determine our responses based upon what had already been decided for us.
It is not surprising that an orthodox community would consider leaving The Episcopal Church (TEC). TEC is struggling for a new beginning aligning Scripture with culture and they have similarly ignored others in a very difficult process. Against the will of the world-wide church, the 2003 General Convention of TEC elected a homosexual as bishop. This was another unilateral decision by a few leaders, requiring others to just respond. The Anglican Communion has responded, though the liberals consider the response too severe and the conservatives , that it has not been severe enough. Many orthodox churches struggle to find a place in this change: a few have decided to just leave TEC (though these have done so with a vote and, of course, with more gracious communication to the community and open discernment than was allowed by Christ Church) as the Anglican Communion works through this. But through the years the rhetoric becomes stronger, the new voice of the Anglican orthodox now say that only they represent the true faith; they now make their sweeping pronouncements so that others must respond to their decisions and actions. Both sides claim to be right without needing to listen to the other.
I find parallels in these divisions of denominations, churches and people. Each of these divisions is born out of judgments; a conviction that we know best for everyone, that I know the heart of God better than you do. Then the best way to maintain these judgments is to not communicate or try to listen to what someone else is saying. I have been at church councils where the conservatives and liberals speak vehemently to each other without ever seeming to hear what the other side has just said. The leader at my church would not discuss the decision to be made for our church but only allowed one side to prepare and speak; my asking that our plans and actions be discussed and considered openly and honestly as a community appears to be the sin for which I was removed from the church. But, of course, I will never know the real judgments that the pastor has made against me since he has chosen not to tell me what I have done wrong much less allowed me to respond to his judgment. It is easier to hold judgments – to expect others to just follow them – if they are not discussed but just handed down.
Without dialogue, judgments are hardened until there is little hope that I can be accepted by the pastor. This, of course, has grieved me deeply since he is now the leader of the church I love and cherish. Divisions in the church do hurt those who love the church but this pain is much more visceral when the divisions are directed personally, as I have now felt. I long to be a part of this church family and have great sorrow that reconciliation is lost. I can now chose to respond with the same judgments; battle it out with the pastor about who offended who, who has listened to God more closely or who has cared more for the church. Even worse, I can chose to respond as if I deserve to be judged in this way; that the pastor has some special power or insight that allows him to unwelcome me, who welcomed him into this church. That is not the new beginning that I desire for myself.
I must admit that it is sure a lot easier to judge rather than love. But God has not called me to an easy life where I am always right and don’t need to listen to others. Rather I am called to bear one another's burdens, forgive sins and love those I would rather dismiss as my enemy. Fortunately, I can leave this church confident that I have accepted this pastor even when he has rejected me, forgiven when I am not forgiven. I make the choice to leave (it is not as if people are excommunicated nowadays, are they?) but I make that choice because the leadership has made it painful for me and family to remain, not because I judge the church or the pastor as wrong, heretical or otherwise unworthy of my acceptance. An end has occurred, against my best efforts to keep things together and pursue reconciliation, and I can now begin again, with hope, acceptance and compassion.
Five weeks ago I left my church. This was a very significant step for me and my family. We have given much of our lives to this community of faith over the past eight years, walking with them through some very tough times and enjoying what can only be called God’s presence working in our lives together. We made this decision to leave after the rector (head pastor) of our church suddenly told me that I was no longer welcomed in any ministry of the church. I was confused; I was hurt; I didn’t want this end but what could I do? So I asked him to seek healing together or at least some communication to resolve whatever issues he may have. But he has declined to even respond to my requests, cutting off our communication and friendship. He has stated his judgment and decision against me, so I can only determine my response to what he has decided.
Christ Church is also a new beginning recently "re-born" from an ending. Just a few weeks ago we were told that our current Episcopal Church would be meeting at a new location, after looking at options for the past few months. But afterwards we were told that, in fact, these resources, and the pastor, church board and staff were all being realigned to the new church that they had established. This had been planned for many months – some in the congregation had suspected – but there would be no discussion or discernment. We were asked to determine our responses based upon what had already been decided for us.It is not surprising that an orthodox community would consider leaving The Episcopal Church (TEC). TEC is struggling for a new beginning aligning Scripture with culture and they have similarly ignored others in a very difficult process. Against the will of the world-wide church, the 2003 General Convention of TEC elected a homosexual as bishop. This was another unilateral decision by a few leaders, requiring others to just respond. The Anglican Communion has responded, though the liberals consider the response too severe and the conservatives , that it has not been severe enough. Many orthodox churches struggle to find a place in this change: a few have decided to just leave TEC (though these have done so with a vote and, of course, with more gracious communication to the community and open discernment than was allowed by Christ Church) as the Anglican Communion works through this. But through the years the rhetoric becomes stronger, the new voice of the Anglican orthodox now say that only they represent the true faith; they now make their sweeping pronouncements so that others must respond to their decisions and actions. Both sides claim to be right without needing to listen to the other.
I find parallels in these divisions of denominations, churches and people. Each of these divisions is born out of judgments; a conviction that we know best for everyone, that I know the heart of God better than you do. Then the best way to maintain these judgments is to not communicate or try to listen to what someone else is saying. I have been at church councils where the conservatives and liberals speak vehemently to each other without ever seeming to hear what the other side has just said. The leader at my church would not discuss the decision to be made for our church but only allowed one side to prepare and speak; my asking that our plans and actions be discussed and considered openly and honestly as a community appears to be the sin for which I was removed from the church. But, of course, I will never know the real judgments that the pastor has made against me since he has chosen not to tell me what I have done wrong much less allowed me to respond to his judgment. It is easier to hold judgments – to expect others to just follow them – if they are not discussed but just handed down.
Without dialogue, judgments are hardened until there is little hope that I can be accepted by the pastor. This, of course, has grieved me deeply since he is now the leader of the church I love and cherish. Divisions in the church do hurt those who love the church but this pain is much more visceral when the divisions are directed personally, as I have now felt. I long to be a part of this church family and have great sorrow that reconciliation is lost. I can now chose to respond with the same judgments; battle it out with the pastor about who offended who, who has listened to God more closely or who has cared more for the church. Even worse, I can chose to respond as if I deserve to be judged in this way; that the pastor has some special power or insight that allows him to unwelcome me, who welcomed him into this church. That is not the new beginning that I desire for myself.
I must admit that it is sure a lot easier to judge rather than love. But God has not called me to an easy life where I am always right and don’t need to listen to others. Rather I am called to bear one another's burdens, forgive sins and love those I would rather dismiss as my enemy. Fortunately, I can leave this church confident that I have accepted this pastor even when he has rejected me, forgiven when I am not forgiven. I make the choice to leave (it is not as if people are excommunicated nowadays, are they?) but I make that choice because the leadership has made it painful for me and family to remain, not because I judge the church or the pastor as wrong, heretical or otherwise unworthy of my acceptance. An end has occurred, against my best efforts to keep things together and pursue reconciliation, and I can now begin again, with hope, acceptance and compassion.
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